Sunday, 7 July 2013

Maverick Squad: Episode 1: Audio Links and Script

Episode 1: The Fellowship of the Maverick

YouTube Links:

Part 1: Episode 1 (Part 1/2)

Part 2: Episode 1 (Part 2/2)


Voiceover: A filthy city mired in crime. Murder, drug dealing and teabagging rampant on the streets – going unpunished by a police force unable to cope. The Police Commissioner decided to create the – the Elite Crime Unit – full of the finest of the force, the cream of the cream.  The new team would come to be known as … Maverick Squad. Episode 1: The Fellowship of the Maverick. The Police Commissioner and the Chief of police met to select the new team.
Commish: Chief Clayton, crime is out of control in this city.

Chief: Well, Commissioner Thompson, I wouldn’t say that.
Commish: Really? I can’t help but think crime is out of control.

Chief: No, crime is under control. Controlled by the criminals though.
Commish: Chief Clayton, we can’t go on like this. Look at these newspaper headlines – drugs are everywhere, people are living in fear. And worst of all – I could lose my job. But I have an idea for how we can put this city right.

Chief: More money would be good. That way I put on more police and buy better equipment.
Commish: No – that’s not going to work. We desperately need an elite squad to clean up the city. It’s filthy out there. But that’s the Sanitation Commissioners’ problem. To fight crime we need an elite flying squad of hand-picked police officers. An elite group to strike directly at the heart of crime – the Elite Crime Unit – the ECU.  I’ve saved you the time of picking the team. Here are the dossiers of the six men and women I want. What we need are real mavericks. These people don’t just break the rules – they barely even knew them in the first place. Do you have any issues with any of my choices?

Chief: Yes.
Commish: What ones?

Chief: All of them. All six of these officers are suspended from duty at the moment.
Commish: Good. So that means I’m not taking them off active duty – I’m not depriving you of any of any of your men.

Chief: These people are a menace to society.
Commish: How so? Okay – what about Detective Westwood?

Chief: Harry Westwood is a brutal and violent man. I remember my last run-in with him.
(Fade into FLASHBACK)

Chief: Westwood – get in my damn office.
HW: Yes Chief.

Chief: What the hell happened with the suspect – how in blazes did he end up in the hospital?
HW: What – you told me to throw the book at him.

Chief: Dammit Westwood, I know you beat that prisoner up. You’re in deep trouble for this you psycho.
HW: Well it was your orders.

Chief: No I did not say to do that.
HW: Yes you did. You told me to throw the book at him. So I did. I got a book and threw it at him. Repeatedly. In the face.

Chief: I meant that as a phrase – as in charge him.
DH: Oh, ‘charge’ him. So you meant use a Taser?

(Fade back to PRESENT)
Chief: So you see Commissioner Thompson that’s why I suspended him.

Commish: Ah but he gets the job done.
Chief: Yeah, sort of. But his arrest rates are among the lowest.

Commish: How come?
Chief: Because you don’t need to put handcuffs on corpses.

Commish: Chief Clayton, it’s a war out there on the streets. According to the talkback radio my media monitors tell me about. In a war sometimes you need men who’ll do what needs to be done. He’s in. It’s decided.
Chief: Well what about Beauregard Brady – you do know he’s uncouth, unfit, and he’s actually pretty dodgy?

Commish: Sometimes you need people who live in the grey areas. The law isn’t always black and white.
Chief: Actually the law is pretty black and white. Breaking the law is breaking the law.

(Fade into FLASHBACK)
Chief: Good work Brady on breaking up that armed robbery in that illegal bookie shop.

Beau: Thanks Chief. This fine Southern gentleman has done it again. (sounds of eating, drinking through straw). Milkshake and burger – food of kings.
Chief: But what I can’t work out is why you were there in the first place?

Beau: I had a tip from an informant, Billy the Lips.
Chief: What, Billy the Lips – never heard of him. You don’t have a registered informant named Billy – why isn’t this informant registered?

Beau: Nah, he’s not that kind of informant. He gave me a hot tip on the fifth at the greyhounds.
Chief: What! You were placing a bet? You cannot have an account in an illegal betting shop in your name.

Beau: Don’t worry – I used a fake name to setup the account. (milkshake sound)
Chief: That’s it Brady – you’re suspended.

Beau: Hey now, hang on now, I protest. Just wait a second now. (milkshake sound) Suspended with pay, right?
Chief: Pay? You want to be paid?

Beau: The Union won’t stand for suspension without pay.
Chief: Dammit then – I don’t care. I’ll suspend you even if it has to be suspension with pay. Stupid Union rules.
Beau: My granddaddy would be rolling in his grave to hear me say it. But praise the Union.

Chief: Get out of my office – you’re leaving crumbs everywhere.
(Fade back to PRESENT)

Commish: Well, you’re paying him already.
Chief: Well what about John McBlain?

Commish: How could you possibly object to this man? He is a hero – awarded the city’s highest honour four times.
Chief: Yeah and he does that by wading into shitstorms and getting everyone else killed. He’s lost 4 partners in just the last year.

(Fade into FLASHBACK)
Chief: Dammit McBlain – what the hell were you thinking, wading in there without waiting for backup?

McBlain: I got the job done didn’t I?
Chief: At what cost – I just got word back. Your partner didn’t pull through – Comiskey’s dead John.

McBlain: (yelling) Comiskey!
Chief: Shutup Stop yelling. I can’t have you keep going all Rambo again on us. You’re a danger to everyone else on the force.

McBlain: What – are you gonna suspend me?
Chief: I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.

McBlain: Come on do it – suspend me. Come on!
Chief: What? You want to be suspended? You’re suspended.

McBlain: Yes.
(Fade back to PRESENT)

Chief: About the only good thing about him is we don’t have to pay him half the time because he’s always suspended. And even then while he’s suspended he goes and brings down the bad guys but since he’s suspended we don’t have to pay him for it. But don’t get me started on his damn one-liners.
Commish: He’s in – it’s decided. I want him.


Commish: What problem do you have with Officer Stacey Chester?

Chief: I don’t know if she’s a feminist or a skank or what.
(Fade into FLASHBACK)

Chief: Dammit Chester, you’re on thin enough ice as it is.
Chester: What – all the men in the office are staring at my breasts and it’s my fault? You’re so sexist. How can you blame me for them ogling me?

Chief: Because you took your damn top off.
Chester: It was hot.

Chief: No it ain’t. We got air conditioning. You can’t walk around completely topless.
Chester: What, because I’m a woman?

Chief: Well, yes.
Chester: Why?

Chief: I can think of 2 reasons it’s inappropriate.
Chester: What?

Chief: Those 2 things right there.
Chester: How dare you? (slaps him)

Chief: What the hell – you just slapped me in the face. You’re suspended.
Chester: You can’t handle the fact that I’m a woman can you?

Chief: No, I can’t handle you.
Chester: Another strong independent woman railroaded by this boy’s club.

Chief: Get out of my office. And for god’s sake put on a shirt – I’m a married man.
(Fade back to PRESENT)

Commish: Really? She sounds like a fine officer. Does she regularly take her top off?
Chief: She’s crazy. But not as crazy as Aldo Gibson. He’s literally crazy. (2:40)(8:20)

Commish: But isn’t he an accomplished detective?
Chief: Oh yeah – he’s great – well he used to be. Well, he would still be great – if he didn’t spend half his time with the police shrink. He’s got more neuroses than … a guy with a lot of neuroses.

(Fade into FLASHBACK)
Chief: Dammit Gibson – what the hell went down at the Johnson murder scene? We got a fingerprint from the killer on a coffee mug … and you wiped the damn mug.

Gibson: It was dirty. So dirty. I had to clean it.
Chief: I’ve had it up to my neck with you Gibson – and I’m 6’3’’ so that’s a lot to have it up to. What the hell is wrong with you?

Gibson: Errr. Stop yelling at me daddy.
Chief: I’m not your daddy? My god Gibson – you’re a wreck. Are you even listening to me you nutbag? Stop cleaning crumbs of the floor. You’re suspended.

Gibson: That’s it – I’ve solved it.
Chief: What, the Johnson murder case?

Gibson: No, why my cat always hacks up furballs on Tuesdays. I’ve been spending every waking moment trying to figure it out.
Chief: What – who cares. You’re suspended.

Gibson: Stop yelling at me.
(Fade back to PRESENT)

Chief: And if you think he’s got problems – he’s not as bad as your sixth pick – Madson.
Commish: Why not – he’s a genius. An actual genius – an IQ of 160.

Chief: Oh yeah he’s smart alright. Too smart for his own damn good.
(Fade into FLASHBACK)

Chief: Madson – you arrested Mrs Greerly?
Madson: Yes, I believe I did Chief Clayton. She denies it but I am sure of it.

Chief: How did you know she was the killer?
Madson: A case of simple deduction my dear fellow. We had 4 suspects – it had to be one of these people. Now we know from the wounds on the body that the killer bludgeoned the victim with a wrench held in their left-hand. 3 of the suspects are right-handed but Mrs Greerly is left-handed – thus it was her.

Chief: Is that it?
Madson: Yes indeed.

Chief: That’s the basis of your whole case against Mrs Greerly?
Madson: Exactly so.

Chief: Okay – now I would like you to observe something.
Madson: Observation is my specialty – I miss nothing.

Chief: Now I’ll assume you know I’m right-handed.
Madson: Indeed.

Chief: So now observe as I roll this newspaper up and put it in my left –hand … and proceed to beat you with it.
Madson: Not my face.

Chief: You nincompoop. You charge someone based on something that flimsy. That evidence ain’t gonna stand up in court. Have you ever watched baseball – people throw with the right hand but bat with left-handed? This case is gonna get thrown out of court – the judge is gonna have my balls for breakfast. And we’re gonna get sued big time for wrongful arrest. I’m gonna suspend your ass.
(Fade back to PRESENT)

Chief: Not just that – we suspect he has a drug addiction.
Commish: What’s wrong with that?

Chief: Uh. He literally can’t be on the squad anyway. Since he was suspended no-one’s heard of him for 8 months. Rumour has it he travelled to Burma and is holed up in an opium den.
Commish: Reminds me of my gap year. Uh, I meant the Burma part.

Chief: Well, I say one thing about him – he belongs on a crack squad – literally a crack squad. So that’s it – this is my elite crime-fighting unit? Commissioner Thompson, can’t we go a different way with this? I’ve got some ideas of good men and women- fine upstanding officers. Straight as an arrow, dependable people.
Commish: No, that won’t do. We need people who don’t follow the rules, people who follow their own tune. People who do it their own way.

Chief: Um, Commissioner I-
Commish: No, the answer to crime isn’t a police force full of intelligent, diligent and professional officers. How could they get the job done?

Chief: Can I at least get some more funding?
Commish: No. Hey you doing anything after this, Chief Clayton?

Chief: Man, its half past 10 – I got to get home to my lady.
Commish: Really? You want go out clubbing?

Chief: Uh, I’ll pass sir.
Commish: 10am tomorrow your squad will meet in your office.

Chief: Sir, is tonsillitis covered under our health plan?
Commish: I assume so, why?

Chief: Because I’m gonna destroy my tonsils from all the yelling I’m gonna have to do with these fools.
Voiceover: Can our intrepid crew bring the criminals to justice and prove their worth? Can they even turn up on time at 10am? Or will they still be sleeping off various hangovers? Tune in next time for another exciting instalment of … Maverick Squad.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Introducing Maverick Squad

Introducing Maverick Squad

 Maverick Squad is a comedy audio podcast about the Elite Crime Unit, a bunch of maverick cops who don’t follow the rules but get the job done, at least some of the time. It’s like an old-fashioned radio serial, but with more cussing and inappropriate behaviour.
 The Elite Crime Unit, nicknamed ‘Maverick Squad’, is an idea that came from Police Commissioner Thompson, possibly in a pharmacologically induced daze. He selected 6 currently suspended police officers to front the squad. These were officers who had problems with authority and didn’t obey any rules, even the rules of common sense. This squad was to be under the command of Police Chief Clayton who hated the idea of the Elite Crime Unit, since he had suspended those 6 officers.

 Here’s the link:

 Maverick Squad Characters:

- Detective John McBlain:
  A parody of the hero and ladies’ man cop types, John McBlain is a man who takes every case personally and thinks nothing of charging into a bullet storm to save the day.  He gets emotionally involved and is tortured by past cases. But that doesn’t stop him from being smooth with the ladies, who just can’t resist a handsome, brooding, emotionally crippled hunk.

- Detective Harry Westwood:
  A parody of Clint Eastwood, Harry Westwood is a gun-toting psycho who shoots first and then doesn’t even ask questions. He had to have surgery to repair his shoulder due to damage caused by wielding his heavy and massive handgun. He is a gruff and quiet type who lets his gun do the talking.

- Detective Beauregard Brady:
 A parody of the shady and slob cop types, Beauregard is a good ole’ Southern boy who straddles the fence between being a corrupt cop and an effective cop. Straddling a fence is rather difficult for him given that he is heavily overweight. He carries a six-shooter in one hand a hamburger in the other.

- Detective Aldo Gibson:
  A parody of the eccentric, slightly mental, absent-minded but brilliant detective, Aldo Gibson was a great cop whose mental disintegration has begun to get in the way of his work. He has numerous phobias, neuroses and nervous ticks and often gets distracted and side-tracked as his mind drifts away from reality.

- Officer Stacey Chester:
 A parody of female cops, Stacey is a confident sexy young woman determined to rise up in the force. Constantly on the lookout to chastise others for being sexist, she is proud and not ashamed to show that she is a female, often by showing an alarming amount of her ample cleavage, and then slapping any man whose gaze drifts towards them.

- Madson:
 A parody of the smug deductive genius, Sherlock Holmes type, the extant Madson has a huge IQ and his brain works on a cognitive level others cannot begin to understand. He can deduce all the particulars of a crime just by looking at a crime scene, but he tends to be a little bit too confident in his abilities and assume he knows everything and that often ends up in his getting things wrong. This is not helped by his suspected substance abuse issues that often see him disappear for months at a time.

 Each episode these mavericks solve a case, or at least try to solve the case, much to the chagrin of the Chief Clayton. All these episodes will be released on my YouTube account.